


kravitz hunts down marshmallows at four in the morning

by Karturtle (darkrose826), lobotophd



Series: angus mcdonald, boy detective: the case of the gay dads [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Deals, Fantasy Costco, Fantasy Gashapon, Gen, Marshmallows, Well-Written Crackfic, sidefic, this is basically a 3000 word long shitpost, we broke leon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-16
Packaged: 2018-08-31 07:45:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8570269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkrose826/pseuds/Karturtle, https://archiveofourown.org/users/lobotophd/pseuds/lobotophd
Summary: Four in the morning isn't a good time for anything, at all, ever, but Kravitz will get those marshmallows if it kills him.ft. Kravitz as dead on the inside as well as the outside, Garfield as the deals warlock we all know and love/hate with a passion, and a few other characters tossed in there for good measure.





	

**Author's Note:**

> for everyone wondering how kravitz acquired the marshmallows in 'rough night, pumpkin?' because it's actually.. a surprising amount of people

An otherwise slow graveyard shift at the Fantasy Costco was interrupted by a sudden tearing in-between dimensional plains, the harsh synthetic lighting flickering as the very fabric of time and space unstitched itself, and a dark, cloaked figure stepped out onto the tile flooring.

Kravitz let down his hood and looked around; this sure was the place, easily recognizable by its magical, cursed, or otherwise just weird objects lining the shelves. For a second, he felt himself get concerned that he wouldn’t even be able to find a package of normal, non-cursed marshmallows anywhere in the store.

He thought about just leaving and getting the marshmallows somewhere else entirely ( _Taako wouldn’t recognize the difference, right?_ No; he thought about it further, _he definitely would_ ) when a small, cat-like creature wearing a starry wizard’s robes floated into view, immediately yelling and catching Kravitz off-guard and probably ruining his ‘stoic bounty hunter’ thing entirely.

“ _HELLO AND WELCOME TO FANTASY COSTCO! HOW CAN I HELP YOU?_ ” he (it?) yelled, startling Kravitz, who at that moment could only hope Taako counted his blessings that he was cute and oddly charming enough that Kravitz didn’t go back and say “you know what? I think I’ve changed my mind”, then take his soul right then and there.

He collected himself, and looked up and down at the cat who didn’t look a whole lot like a cat in the first place, clearing his throat.

“Uhm- Well, I was just wondering if you had any.. Normal marshmallows? Preferably non-cursed ones?” Kravitz thought about making an effort to put on his fake British accent, but thought better of it.

Whatever dignity he had in the first place was obliterated from standing here, having a conversation with whatever entity this was about finding mini-marshmallows in a Fantasy Costco, anyway. It’s not like he needed the approval of the shouty floaty cat working here.

“ _WELL SORRY TO DISAPPOINT YOU PAL BUT I DON’T THINK WE HAVE ANY UNCURSED, NORMAL MARSHMALLOWS IN STOCK!_ ”

Kravitz sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Tonight couldn’t possibly just be easy, could it? Something weird always had to happen in this place.

“Are you entirely sure? Couldn’t you at least check-” Kravitz was cut off, which something he wasn’t used to having happen often.

“ _NOPE! ALL OUT! SORRY! LOOKS LIKE YOU’LL HAVE TO COME BACK LATER, OR MAYBE NEVER EVER AGAIN AT ALL!_ ” he said/yelled.

“So what you’re telling me is that there’s nowhere on this entire fake moon that I can buy some mini-marshmallows?” Kravitz protested, frustrated that he had to spend more than five seconds in the store.

“ _WELL.._ ” Garfield the Deals Warlock pondered before pulling out a coin from his robes, “ _YOU COULD ALWAYS USE THIS!_ ”

Staring, Kravitz held out his hand for the coin to drop into. “What… does this have to do with marshmallows.”

“ _EVERYTHING!_ ” Garfield bellowed, “ _DROP THAT BABY IN THE FANTASY GASHAPON FOR A CHANCE AT THOSE SUGARY SWEET SWEETS YOU CRAVE!_ ”

“Fantasy.. Gashapon.” He had to be joking. “And that’s… a thing.”

“ _YOU BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR IT IS!_ ”

“....Right. Well. This has been.. Very helpful.” Kravitz replied, now more confused than ever, “I’ll.. just do that, then.”

Without looking back, Kravitz made his way out of the automatically-sliding doors at the end of the Costco and looked around the hallways, thankfully aware enough of where he was from the couple times he’d been here already to find his way through corridors to the Gashapon room, where Leon the Artificer sat at his desk, looking half-asleep.

He sat up suddenly upon noticing Kravitz make his way over to his desk, understandably frightened at his appearance. He hadn’t gone entirely skeletal yet, but his cheekbones were looking more sunken-in than usual and his dark skin was muted in tone, the stress showing in his face through a grim expression and heavy bags under his eyes. Thankfully, he had had enough foresight to put away his scythe and not accidentally give Leon a heart attack at 4 am.

“You.. Haven’t been here before, right?” He stuttered slightly, Kravitz giving a nod in response, hoping he could cut the conversation short and make this fetch-quest end sooner.

“Ah, then I should probably explain how to use the gashapon machine!” He said, his face.. Lighting up? While he scrambled to get out from behind his desk.

Kravitz was only half-listening, tired and out of focus and wishing he was back at Taako’s place by now. He’d take the awkwardness between himself and Taako’s pseudo-son over this particular adventure any day.

“You simply put your coin in the slot, give it a crank, and watch the magic happen!” Leon explained, “You know, this is so exciting, I haven’t had a new customer in ages..”

Kravitz, quite frankly too tired for this shit, handed the man the coin with an expectant look, stopping him in his tracks.

Leon’s face crumbled.

“You.. you..” He tried, his hand clenching around the coin, “No, you can’t.. You can’t just..”

Kravitz looked around, wondering if he’d missed something while Leon’s face seemed to go through the seven stages of grief- though stopping right before acceptance.

“Are you.. Is this…” Something seemed to dawn on Leon’s face. “No.. No. _No_. We’re not doing this. We’re not _doing_ this.. this _shit_. Are you with them? Are you with that- that band of yahoos? Did they put you up to this?”

Kravitz blinked, “...what are you..?” He tried to say, but he was interrupted by Leon making a loud, angry noise.

“You have to put it in the _slot_! I _can’t_ put it in the slot _for you_!” Leon all but shouted, giving Kravitz the distinct impression that this has happened.. many times before. He also got the feeling that Taako would have some answers.

“Okay! Okay, that’s fine!” Kravitz said quickly, reaching over and carefully taking the coin back from Leon, “But- just so I know for future reference, am I supposed to turn it clockwise, or like, counter-clockwise?”

Something in Leon seemed to snap, and he reared a foot back and kicked the fantasy gashapon machine with all his might.

The machine made a groaning noise, the hundreds of plastic containers inside shaking slightly, before making other concerning noises and concluding with what sounded like the final noise of the gashapon machine before giving up. Kravitz felt himself grow very concerned about how he had driven this tiny, angry man to do what he had done so immediately.

The two of them stared at the machine in silence for what seemed like eternity before Leon gave a shudder, almost like his machine had, and lowered himself to the floor to curl up in a ball. Kravitz had no clue what to make of.. Any of this, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel slightly responsible. This quest for fantasy marshmallows was ruining lives, it seemed. And speaking of the marshmallows, he still needed them. But.. it appeared his only hope was out of order. Whether he was referring to the machine or Leon himself, Kravitz didn’t know anymore.

“I’m.. sorry, is there someone around that can fix this?” Kravitz asked awkwardly.

A sob escaped from Leon’s curled up figure.

“O-kay.. then.” was Kravitz’s only reply.

He could tell that Leon was obviously going to be no help to him, or anyone else at the moment, and _someone_ needed to fix the machine.. He felt it was only his responsibility to go find someone to fix it (albeit, grudgingly) and recover the marshmallows so he could finally go back to Taako’s and eventually back home.

This was proving to be far more difficult than he had anticipated, and it was starting to feel like Kravitz had been sent on a wild goose chase just because that boy detective needed mini-marshmallows (specifically the mini ones, Kravitz wasn’t an _idiot_ ) for his 4 am hot cocoa recipe. As much as it was annoying being sent on an emergency candy-buying mission, he couldn’t help but feel a pang of sympathy for the boy. After all, he was what, 11 years old? And already he had been employed on a moonbase where weird, dangerous shit was bound to happen all the time and he and his co-workers and friends were in danger of getting hurt or often straight-up kicking the bucket.

He had even explained these concerns to Taako once. A child in a highly dangerous, secret organization? Really? Who thought that was a good idea? Taako, of course, didn’t seem to think too much of it, so he let it go- but it still bothered him. He’d hate to have to greet Angus in the astral plain like he did the boy’s grandfather not too long ago.

So, here Kravitz was, wandering the corridors of the moon-base, looking for someone to fix a giant gashapon machine so he could get marshmallows for an 11 year old and his boyfriend. As he was getting lost in thought, per usual, he was stopped in his tracks and knocked backwards after turning a corner and slamming into something- or rather, someone. He quickly scrambled to right himself after having the wind nearly knocked out of him by a brick shithouse of a person.

Kravitz looked up to see a tall, buff orc-woman standing back, looking concerned (and maybe more than a little amused).

“Hey buddy, you might wanna watch where- wait a second,” She leaned down some to look him in the eye before a metaphorical lightbulb lit up above her head. “I know you! You were at the Chug ‘N Squeeze! You’re Taako’s secret boyfriend!”

“Not much of a secret these days,” Kravitz muttered, mostly to himself. Thinking about it, this orc _did_ look familiar.

Suddenly, something clicked in his head and Kravitz vaguely recalled the orc in the null-suit back when he had gone through that Miller boy’s lab. Which was also, funny enough, the first time he ‘officially’ met Taako. He decided not to say anything, because the only thing he could say in that situation would be “Hey, aren’t you the same orc I almost killed last Candlenights eve? Fun times, right?” and that’s not exactly a cool fun thing you want to hear after someone runs into you in a hallway, so instead he said “And you… know that how?”

“It was couple’s night, remember?” Killian grinned, “I made a prett-y nice duck, if I do say so myself.”

“Weren’t we supposed to make vases?”

“It’s the creative process, man. Anyways,” She clapped him on the shoulder, and he nearly buckled under the weight (and he’s not even _scrawny_ ), “Glad to finally meet ya! I mean, ‘meeting the secret boyfriend at four in the morning’ wasn’t exactly my call in the betting pool, but Avi’s the only idiot who went all in.”

“You have a betting pool.” Kravitz clarified, furrowing his eyebrows while he tried to comprehend any of this, “For.. for when you’d get to meet me?”

“Well there’s not a whole lot to do on the moon, if I’m being honest.” She admitted.

“And.. how many people are in this betting pool?”

“Well, there’s me, Carey of course, Avi, Noelle, even got Johan in the mix, The Director..”

“Wait, wait- you’re telling me the _Director_ was betting on-”

“Again, not a whole lot to do on the moon!” Killian cut in.

Kravitz.. really didn’t have time for this, and that combined with his growing fear that Killian might be able to tell by his voice(even without the faked accent) that he was the same person who almost killed her and the rest of the group back in Lucas’s lab? Not to mention the embarrassment that came along with the fact that the _entire bureau_ knew about his relationship- It all further urged him to slip away while she was still talking, if not just full out break into a sprint or try to disappear into the shadows.

“Well,” He tried, attempting to edge around her, “You.. have fun with that, tell everybody you won, I really do have to get going though-”

“ _Woah_ , woah, woah.” Killian moved into his path again, effectively blocking him from making an exit, “I don’t even have your name- and that’s kinda rude, don’t you think? And I’d hate to think Taako was dating a jerk..” She eyed him intently, “You’re not a _jerk_ , are ya?”

Oh, for Astral Plain’s _sake_ \- “No, no, there’s no jerks here,” He said quickly, resisting the urge to back up, “But it _is_ four in the morning and I do have things to do, so-”

“Because if Taako was dating a jerk, I’m sure a lot of people would be very concerned.” And now she was not so subtly cracking her knuckles one by one.

Kravitz just wanted some fucking marshmallows.

“That’s nice,” Kravitz told her, trying and failing to keep the annoyed edge from his voice, “And I’m glad he has people that would care about that but-”

“I think you should stick around and chat, don’t you?” Killian asked.

And with that, Kravitz bolted down the nearest hallway without stopping to look back or pull out his scythe to disappear, but he could hear Killian shouting “We’ve got a runner!” behind him.

Kravitz didn’t have time to react before he turned a corner and skidded back immediately as he met the face of what appeared to be a large lizard (or a small dragon) before she made a noise not too far off from a high-pitched battle cry, frills on the side of her face flying out and shocking him before he could respond. He fell back and Carey took the opportunity to tackle him so he couldn’t escape before Killian caught up.

Carey and Killian high-five’d while Kravitz laid on the ground, trying not to wheeze.

“Team sweet flips does it again!” Carey crowed with a toothy smile, peering down at him.

She’s not particularly large for her species(the word dragonborn comes to mind), but she still weighed a ton and Kravitz didn’t have to struggle to know he wouldn’t be getting out of this one easily.

“I knew there was something suspicious about you,” Killian crouched down by his head, looking unbearably smug, “Why’d you run, huh? Got somethin’ to hide?”

“I ran-” Kravitz paused, taking a gulp of air- pretty hard to do when there’s a dragon woman sitting on your chest, “because you looked like- you were about- to fight me- and I’m so tired- and I just want some damn marshmallows-”

“You wanted marshmallows?” Carey blinked, shifting some of her weight so he could breathe again, “Then why are you all the way over here? Fantasy Costco’s open all hours.”

“They don’t- they don’t carry them.” Kravitz finished, defeated.

“Uh, yeah they do,” Killian chimed in, crossing her arms, “Garfield has an entire shelf of ‘em in the back.”

Kravitz had to take a moment to process that new, very interesting information. He must have looked completely shocked, because Killian motioned for Carey to get up.

“I think we broke him.” Carey mumbled, “Taako isn’t gonna like that.”

Kravitz slowly rose to his feet, silent and sullen while he brushed himself off. He knew exactly whose fault this entire charade was.

Not caring that he had two witnesses who might put two-and-two together - God, he was so tired - Kravitz pulled out his scythe and tore a rip into a dimensional plain, right there in the hallway. He ignored the various reactions he got for it, used to the gasps of shock and horror by now, stepping inside and vanishing. He knew exactly where to go.

Moments later, he was appearing in front of the cash register of Fantasy Costco, skeletal and furious.

The deals warlock looked up from the magazine he was reading, “ _AH! I SEE YOU’RE BACK- YOU DON’T LOOK A WHOLE LOT LIKE A HAPPY CUSTOMER, THOUGH!_ ”

Kravitz vaulted over the desk, ignoring the “ _HEY YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE BACK THERE-_ ” coming from Garfield, and swung open the door to the back room with its many boxes before finding the stash of marshmallows- the mini ones, specifically, and grabbing a package with his deadly skeletal grip. He stalked out again and vaulted back over, slamming the bag of marshmallows on the table.

“Here.” is all he could manage to get out. Garfield, caught red handed, grudgingly scanned the bag and opened the fantasy cash register.

“ _THAT’LL BE TEN GOLD PIECES!_ ” he shouted.

Kravitz reached for his pocket to get his wallet. He then realized he did not have a wallet, nor any currency, nor did he ever have any to begin with. He didn’t even have pockets. What kind of grim reaper needs pockets?

Kravitz’ expression of resigned anger faded from his face and became one of a man whose hopes and dreams had been shattered, and in that five-second frame of time he found himself understanding how Leon must have felt when he curled up in his ball to cry.

“ _UH OH!_ ” Garfield yelled, “ _LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE’S A LITTLE SHORT ON CASH! SEEMS TO ME LIKE YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE A DEAAAAAAAL!_ ”

“You- You-” Kravitz stuttered, clenching his fists while he shook with rage, “You have got to be- you’ve already _lied_ to me, sent me on a pointless _quest_ , led me into giving a man a _nervous breakdown_ , gotten me threatened, tackled, and _thoroughly_ embarrassed--- what more could you _possibly_ want from me?!”

Garfield seemed to think about that for a moment. “ _WEELL, A LITTLE BIRDY TOLD ME SOMEONE WAS IN THE BUSINESS OF SOOULS! DON’T SUPPOSE YOU COULD SPARE A FEW OF THOSE?_ ”

Kravitz stared. Never in his life, living _or_ undead, had he been subjected to this much _bullshit_. He’d already paid for these fucking marshmallows with his patience, his dignity, his pride, and now Garfield was asking for _this_?

Without another word, Kravitz took the _fucking_ marshmallows, grabbed his _fucking_ scythe again, and got the _fuck_ out of there, intent on getting back to Taako and his boy. He didn’t even know how much time had passed- for all he knew, it was light outside! He probably missed the entire damn thing!

Still.

Kravitz paused a moment between traveling through the plains, took a deep breath, and yelled from a place deep inside of him at whatever sky existed in that world at the moment. He wasn’t even saying anything, not cursing the moonbase or the deals warlock, he was just giving a good guttural yell at nothing. Then he took a moment to clear his throat, change back into his ‘handsome face’ and run a hand through his hair- and stepped back into Taako’s kitchen.

“Went that good, huh?”

**Author's Note:**

> ford and i sat down a few hours ago and we churned out this beautiful masterpiece of a sidefic to go along with 'rough night, pumpkin?'
> 
> we were talking about kravitz dealing with garfield and how he probably didnt have any gold on him but he had to get the marshmallows somehow and it.... really really escalated huh. it certainly went Some Places
> 
> (for the record, the fantasy gashapon machine is still broken, and so is leon. someone will walk into the gashapon in the morning to find leon still huddled in a ball. in the middle of his cup of hot cocoa, kravitz feels like he's forgetting something important.)
> 
> you can find me at designerskyline.tumblr.com , and my partner in crime at official-ford.tumblr.com !
> 
> they're super fun to write with and im so proud of them.... go give em some love
> 
> feedback is appreciated!(but keep in mind we know exactly what we did. we know. exactly. what we did.)


End file.
